“Stress Kills” was the bumper sticker from the 80s! And it is true. Some research puts it up there with smoking as a major cause of chronic and fatal diseases. While our ancestors had lions, tigers and bears to worry about, today, we often feel stressed because of other people one way or another.
Stress, in terms of the lack of free time and the overwhelming sense of responsibility, can come when other people totally depend on us. Juggling demanding work with other social roles can also be stressful. New research even shows that we can “catch” stress from others when they are stressed – even if they are good at not showing it! But, it is also true that others can calm our stress reactions – like when we volunteer or help others or when we give hugs to people we love. So how do we keep ourselves connected to others without the damage that stress often causes?
Love Yourself and Be Loving
First, we need to look at the reality that we cannot control other people. Other people will do things upsetting us greatly from time to time, and there are no iron–clad ways of avoiding some inevitable conflict with other people unless you run away to a deserted island. Our own response to other people is key – since this is the only area in which we truly have control.
When someone shouts at us, our heart rate may increase and we may get sweaty palms. One way to help with this type of stress is to immediately comprehend that the person shouting is likely stressed and out of control and that the over-reaction is not really about you. Breathe and go mentally toward taking care of yourself. Calmly state you will discuss this later when things calm down and leave. If for some reason, you can’t do this, do whatever you can to take care of yourself in the moment. It is important to not escalate also.
Conflicts with others are not always shouting matches though. Sometimes, icy standoffs can be just as stressful. When this is the case, again, approach it with the attitude that it is okay for you to be calm, take care of yourself, and communicate your needs. Saying something like “I would like us to deal with our differences or to understand what is happening to our relationship” is a great way to break the ice. Approach the other person with love and kindness, not blame or defensiveness.
What about when you are angry? Again, calming down, breathing, and understanding your needs and lovingly communicating those needs can go a long way. “I’m angry right now and need to get some fresh air” is a great way to gain control of yourself until you can reach a better state. The fastest way to get there is to avoid blame (yourself or others) and immediately try to understand your needs and try to feel some loving attitude toward the other person. This almost always soothes the stress reaction. Communicating well in a loving way can disarm others and take conflict to cooperation.
Sometimes You Have to Let Go
Not everyone can respond well to loving gestures or to reasonable requests. Sometimes needs conflict so much there are no good ways to resolve them and stay in a relationship or situation. In these cases, don’t fret forever. Move on. For some people – like a relative or close long-term relationship – you can leave the room without shutting the door forever. It is not necessary to burn every bridge. You can just cool things down a bit. People can change and often do – they just do it at their own pace for their own reasons. They don’t do it for you. So, if a relationship is important, don’t burn a bridge – just walk down a different path for a while gracefully and hope for the best. Distancing, in a loving way, can actually feel good – even when you would have preferred a different outcome. It feels good because you are taking care of yourself and still keeping your heart open toward the other person.
Guilt
Guilt is its own brand of stress. Sometimes, we feel guilty that we didn’t call back or we feel guilty that we can’t be there for someone who needs us. Again, if your actions are done in love and honesty, there is no need for guilt. If you have truly done something wrong, you need to address it directly and honestly. Hiding from it will only cause stress – which ultimately causes wear and tear on our bodies.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, one step in the 12 steps is to “make amends.” This does not mean that every relationship works out well and that a rainbow appears. It means you make the effort to apologize to those you have harmed and you make some effort toward restoration or making up for the harm. For a simple example, if you steal something – you would go and admit it and return it. Most of the things we do are not so simple. Sometimes, we harm someone with harsh words and those cannot be taken back. But, we can communicate our regret, take full responsibility for our actions, and offer an honest explanation (not an excuse – but a reason) and this can be healing. Asking for forgiveness and communicating our regret may not always heal the relationship, but it can bring closure and relief to ourselves.
Insecurity
Everyone with a pulse has experienced the anxiety of not feeling “good enough” at some point in their lives. The goal is to feel that way much less often. Look at yourself as you would look at a small child – lovingly and with full acceptance. Sometimes it helps to look at pictures of yourself as a child. There are circumstances and there are temporary behaviors that we may not feel great about – but in our core, we are all worthy of acceptance and we are all “good enough.” Letting go of insecurity can actually help us by freeing us up psychologically to take actions that will improve the parts of us that need to grow or change. Often, staying stuck is because we feel we are not worth the effort. You are worth it and this doesn’t take years of therapy to figure out – it takes a decision and you can make that decision to accept yourself today.
The Remedy
Often, we are most stressed when we are most consumed with ourselves. Getting outside of our selves can be a refreshing antidote for stress. Helping others, performing small acts of kindness, and getting and giving hugs can actually reduce the stress response in our bodies and give us the perspective we need to stop the mental stress spiral.
Taking care of ourselves does not mean ruminating about other people. Other false ways of taking care of ourselves are overeating sweets, watching tv all night, or other ultimately self-defeating behaviors. Taking care of ourselves means that we know what our true needs are. We may need to exercise, relax more, have fun, eat better, sleep more, or avoid certain situations. We may need more support or hugs! We may need to make amends or have tough conversations with others to get our needs expressed. The more we just go into the mode of truly taking care of ourselves and focus outward to how we can be a positive influence on others, the less stress can harm us. The only remedy for stress is action – loving action toward ourselves and others.
See Also
Source: https://www.sageminder.com/SeniorHealth/Articles/tabid/72/itemid/151/amid/476/coping-with-interpersonal-stress.aspx