The Funny Side of Caregiving

Learning to lighten up can ease tensions between you and your loved one.

When my grandmother was nearly 90 and quite forgetful, my mother couldn’t tolerate her cognitive decline. She would scold her for any mistake she made. But my mother’s sister had a lighter touch, joking with their mother when she’d forget her medication or say something completely off-point.

Caring for a parent with dementia?  Talk with others in same situation

Now, many years later, my generation is following a similar pattern in our family. When my mother is forgetful, I become frustrated and am quick to chide her. My brother, on the other hand, takes a humorous approach. “Oh, Mom,” he might say to her in a funny tone when she says the wrong thing, “you’re just kidding me.” He lets her know she’s made a mistake, but in a kind way.

I wish I had my brother’s easy manner with my mother. Around him, she relaxes and smiles. Around me, she is often defensive and tense. I have trouble controlling some of my negative feelings that arise during caregiving. But when I sigh because I’m sad, or act snippy because I’m angry, my mother senses these emotions and winds up feeling bad about herself.

Humor is a wonderful tool for people to use at times of stress. A shared joke unites people in laughter. A silly exchange reassures us that “I’m OK; you’re OK. We’re in the soup together.”

As a caregiver, I realize that I don’t need to be an uproariously funny, lampshade-wearing comedian — it’s just not my nature. But I can be playful — and am trying to be more so — since I think the ability to be amusing or at least amused can bring out the best in the loved ones we are caring for and make the job more fun for us, the caregivers. Two ways to lighten up while caregiving:

Stay in the absurdity of the moment. It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong with the person you’re caring for. But you can still attend to those problems while considering their comedic possibilities. When I push my mother in a wheelchair through the hospital corridors to get to her medical appointment, I tease her that we are in such a rush that I need to speed up and round the corners on one wheel. There are so many opportunities to be fun and a little irreverent.