I originally wanted to call this book, “The Selfish Caregiver; How to overcome Burnout,” but I was concerned with the negative reactions I was getting from those I shared with. Nobody wants to be selfish; we were all taught that is a negative quality that will lead to pride, greed, egotism and self-centeredness. Who wants to intentionally be all of that? Nobody, of course, so when I advise caregivers (perhaps the most selfless group of people on the face of the earth) that they need to be a little more selfish in their caregiving responsibilities, many will tune me out.
Most caregiver’s burn out because of their giving, self-sacrificial and compassionate natures, (and I’m not just saying that because I am a caregiver). I actually don’t have those natural tendencies of being selfless. Maybe that is why it was so easy for me to recognize the symptoms of burnout early on, and so I started to take care of my needs before it was too late.
By not providing a level of care that challenges a care receiver enough to reach their recovery goals, it may prolong and hinder a patient’s rehabilitation. For example, if you always help your loved one do the things that they find difficult to do instead of encouraging them to try harder, it could make them more dependent on you too much, and discourage the extra efforts of doing it themselves. This act of “selfishness” could make the caregiver feel undeservedly guilty, especially if they are being criticized for being so unhelpful.
Let me share a personal experience to illustrate. After my wife’s stroke, her mother came to live with us to help out with the caregiving responsibilities. Her mother was a very good caregiver with a great deal of experience taking care of both her parents and her husband’s mother as they became sicker with the onset of age. However, there are different types of caregiving styles. Her mother was one type and I was another. Her mother would often get things for Charlene if she was struggling to get it, especially if it was not therapy time, or Charlene was not particularly in the mood for any therapy.
I was told by an occupational therapist that the best kind of caregiving is where you help the patient to learn to do for themselves, as opposed to always coming to their rescue when they are struggling for something. In essence, I believed that occupational therapy should happen not only when scheduled, but when any opportunity arises.
For example, during meal time, her mother would always get something for her that she was struggling to reach in the cabinet, whereas, I would say, “No, come on, you can do it. Stretch a little more and you can reach it.” I was probably a pest, but it forced her to become the very independent person she is today, and not a dependent, or needy person who required constant 24/7 care. Charlene appreciated the extra help that she got from her mother, while I usually got dirty looks from both of them, especially when she wasn’t particularly in the mood for therapy.