When people confront an ocean of need, they feel anxiety. Some run for their lives; others jump in and drown. Both reactions are rooted in the inability to stay separate and set limits in a healthy way that balances generosity with self-preservation.
The early insecure attachment creates a wish to be comforted and a wish to run away from danger. The problem is that the person from whom you want comfort and the person who is dangerous is the same person—that creates an often life-long conflict. The mother you yearn for is the mother you withdraw from; the mother you are afraid of is the mother you cling to. Children with school phobias offer a good example of this paradox—the inability to leave home is often a response to a perceived threat from the parents. Thus withdrawal and clinging are two different anxiety responses resulting from an insecure early attachment to the mother.
Setting limits is difficult for most people—it’s a common problem in many areas of our life, not just caregiving. It’s hard to say “no” or “enough” without feeling guilty. It’s difficult to tell a friend she can’t borrow money or tell your son he can’t have another toy he can’t live without. I had a terrible time toilet training my older son.
One of my friends used to console me by saying: “Don’t worry, by the time he gets married he’ll be toilet trained.” The more you project your own neediness on to someone else and then identify with the person to whom you are saying “no,” the harder it is to do it without feeling bad about yourself. I would start off feeling like a separate adult and saying: “Okay, now you’re going to use the toilet.” As soon as Matthew started yelling that he didn’t want to use the toilet, I would start identifying with him. How can I force him to do what he doesn’t want to do? I’ll be acting like my mother. I’ll wait until he wants to use the potty. Except he never got to that point. He was three years old and they wouldn’t let him into nursery school in diapers so I went to a child psychologist for help. She said: “Your son does not have a problem. You do; you are not like your mother.
You can tell him he is going to wear underpants and throw out his diapers and he will be fine.” I followed her advice and he never had an accident again. She made it clear to me that the problem was all mine. I was so afraid of being like my mother that I couldn’t set limits and stick to them. I couldn’t distinguish between being sadistic and helping my son master a developmental task that would make him feel better about himself.
If we feel needy and deprived because we have an insecure internal attachment to our early mother then it is hard to say “no” or “enough” to somebody else. People who have difficulty saying “no” often get angry at people who ask them for anything. After all, asking them for something sets off their conflict. Thus, setting limits with needy elderly parents can be extremely difficult if we are needy ourselves—which we usually are if we had needy parents. We vacillate back and forth between identifying with their neediness and feeling we have to save them; and feeling angry at them for needing so much from us and wanting to run away so that we do not drown.
Adults with a secure attachment do not feel “needy”—or are able to work their way out of that feeling fairly quickly. They have needs, of course, but they are not “needy.” The feeling of being needy is a feeling of desperation for someone else to save you and to provide sustenance. In addition, it easily gets projected on to other people so it’s had to stay clearly separate. Caregivers who have an internal sense of secure attachment have secure boundaries and have less difficulty saying “no” or “enough” in a way that does not necessitate hitting the other person over the head with it or running away from a person who is needy. They can say: “I wish I was able to do that for you, but unfortunately I’m not.” But that does not come naturally for many of us. We have to remind ourselves that when we confront an ocean of need, all we need to do is bring a cup.
Article Source: http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/limits_to_caregiving3.htm