The arguments that my wife and I often get into usually have to do with each of us believing that we are both selfless and not selfish. For example, her doctor suggested that she get a shingles shot because shingles is a very painful virus that is already in everyone who has had the chicken pox. It is brought on by stress, and women her age are at high risk. If she gets it, the one who will bear the added burden and responsibility, which includes having to apply calamine lotion frequently, listening to and watching her suffer, and feeling very badly for her as she suffers excruciating pain, is her caregiver. The healing process can take several weeks or months. However, because Charlene hates needles, she refuses to get one.
I personally believe that she is being very selfish towards me for not getting her shot, and not considering how her decision might affect me. I thought that MAYBE she was thinking more about her own pain of the shot itself and the 50% chance that she might get it even if she gets the shot. She is not willing to take that gamble of suffering twice, even though the shot is a quick prick. Now it is true that there is no guarantee that you won’t get shingles with the shot, but they say it reduces your chances by 50% and if you get it, it may be a more mild case. So I’m thinking, “why is she being so selfish like that?” But she is thinking that I am being selfish for not considering her feelings and opinion. After all, she is the master of her own body, and she should decide whether she gets a live virus shot into her or not. She won’t get a flu shot either, even though if she gets the flu, it always goes into her lungs and causes bronchitis for weeks because she had pneumonia when she was young. But I guess, the bottom line is, It is her body and her life, not my decision. So I am Ok with it now.
Another example is when she refuses to wear a seatbelt on her power wheelchair when she is on the street because it wrinkles her clothes. I tell her that she could hit a pothole or a curb and go flying out of her chair (like a friend of mine recently did in his chair). One night while on vacation in Hawaii, she absolutely refused to wear it when we were going out on the street to do some sight-seeing. She had a cocktail or two, so I therefore insisted that she wear it. She refused, so I said that we were not going out. She got all upset and decided to stay in the hotel room and pout instead. We didn’t speak for a whole day. I felt that she was not considering my feelings and being selfish. She thought I was being selfish by making such an unreasonable demand on her. This is why it is very difficult to be a spouse and a caregiver to the same person. If you are in such a position, then I know you understand and can relate to my experience.
The reason I tell you these stories is not to complain about my wife, but to illustrate that the meaning of the words selfish and selfless all have to do with the perspectives of the individuals involved. If you are feeling pretty stressed out and desperately need a break, you may think that you are being selfless by bringing in a substitute caregiver to catch a movie with a friend so you don’t burnout, and thus insure that your loved one will continue to get long-term care from you for years to come. Your loved one, on the other hand, thinks that you are being selfish by going to the movies instead of staying home and watching her. This is called a difference of opinion and maybe you are both correct. However, your opinion counts a little more (as mine did in my examples above). As caregivers, we have all the power, but we also have the most to lose, both for our loved one and for ourselves. We really need to recognize the frustration of the one who feels powerless.