An excerpt from my book, One Arm One Leg 100 Words, Overcoming Unbelievable Hardships”
It is a paradox to me how we can be so happy and peaceful, while going through a trial and a lifestyle that most people would look at and say, “No way, not me. I could never do that, not even for one day!” After all, I did lose my wife. Oh sure, she is still alive and with me but she is not the same woman who I married.
It is very difficult to walk along the sandy beaches together anymore. It is also extremely difficult having deep conversations, or speaking about what is on our hearts or sharing how we feel intimately about things anymore. This is a tremendous loss to me. I should be very depressed about it, but I am not.
The real question is, “Why I am not depressed about it?” Of course the obvious answer is God. I don’t know how to express it, except to say that we experienced real power from a spiritual source that cannot be explained by any other means. I am a USC graduate with an intellectual and logical mind. I know that a miracle happens when it cannot be scientifically explained. Yet, this is what occurred during our weakest moments. We were lifted up by a source of strength (not from this physical world), that conventional wisdom cannot explain.
I am grateful that God is there for me, and is giving me what I am not receiving from Charlene, yet I still want to know why? Why am I not lonely? Why am I content with not walking on the beach with her, or having those deep, intimate conversations? (I know that God is giving her what she is not getting from me as well, and I am very thankful for that).
I am not sure I completely have the answer to my question, but if I were to take a stab at it, I would have to guess that God has blessed me with a thing called grace. I like to call it Charlene grace. Thankfully, Charlene is also gifted with something called David grace. I believe Charlene grace and David grace is something that God has put into our temperaments and personalities to make us align with each other. Most of the time, what would normally irritate us about one another is replaced by peace and contentment.
Grace is a good thing, and I am very grateful for it. I am also appreciative that God has put an attraction in our hearts towards each other. We both have had a few people over the years make subtle advances towards us indicating that they would be interested in pursuing a romantic encounter (before and after her stroke). We are very thankful that God put in our hearts a lack of attraction towards any other person.
I can honestly say that I have never kissed or had an affair with another woman since my marriage in 1975. That is not an easy boast to make in today’s world. I am sure that I am in the minority but I cannot take any credit for that comment. It isn’t that difficult resisting a woman with which I had no attraction. It would be much harder resisting a woman with which I felt a magnetic, electrical attraction. I would then have to rely solely on my integrity, value system, and wisdom in not allowing myself to be caught or trapped in a compromising, dangerous situation.
By the same token, I know my wife can make the same boast of not ever kissing another man or having an affair. I am not perfect by any means. My wife takes a lot of bologna from me. Thank God she has that David grace I was talking about earlier.
Grace is a gift that is available to anyone who recognizes it. Charlene is also very happy now, even when I am being very difficult. God has given her favor towards me.
Another thing we are very thankful for is that we did not know then what we know now. In other words, we have always been on a need-to-know basis with God. We are so glad that no one ever told us exactly what was in store for us in the future. It would have been too overwhelming for us to even consider going through such a trial. I understand that we never know what we are capable of until we go through it, but I also know that fear or dread can be a very powerful force. One time, during a blood test, I actually felt the pain of the needle before I was stuck. That is because the fear of the negative event is often worse than the negative event itself. (Charlene’s fear of needles is about 100 times worse than mine.) Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
If Charlene were to speak right now, I know she would say that I was awful during those three years, and I probably was. I’m sure I came across as a control freak who was taking advantage of her situation. She does an imitation of me that really makes me laugh. She makes this really monster-looking face and brings her voice way down to a low growl. She makes Frankenstein-like movements with her arm and leg. She makes me look and sound like some kind of monster. I probably did seem like some big bad monster to her from her perspective, and in her condition.
This is just a another chapter of my book “One Arm One Leg 100 Words, Overcoming Unbelievable Hardships”. You can buy the book by clicking this link. And surely, you will not stop reading it from the beginning till the end of this book.